I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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