I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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