where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
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so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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