I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
