so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
