Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
