I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
