I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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