Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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