i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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