What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
