The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
