Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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