i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
