i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
