Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
