Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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