At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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