so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
