if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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