ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
