I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
