his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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