Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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