OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
