He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
