I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
