the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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