You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
