Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
