do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
