Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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