I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
