Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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