Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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