I think my fart just growled at me.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize