Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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