just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
