wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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