i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I need a beard to bite.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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