I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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