I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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