Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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