he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
