Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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