I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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