I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
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