omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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