omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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