Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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