hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
