Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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