Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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