how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
