Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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