You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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